Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012) - High Cheese Factor-athon Film #3

On the Menu: NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (2012)

Ingredients: Jake Busey, Dominique Swain, Josh Allen, Christopher K. Johnson, James Maxwell, Lilan Bowden, Marlene Okner, Maria Pallas, Abderrahim Halaimia and Trevor Kuhn. Directed by Joseph J. Lawson. Run time: 89 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: So, this beauty was the third and final cheesy flick of my cheesy flick marathon. Save the best for last?

A group of researchers in Antarctica, led by Dr. Riestad (Busey), stumble upon a giant hole in the ice leading to a breathtakingly beautiful land at the center of the earth.

One slight hiccup.

Dr. Josef Mengele (Johnson) is down there rebuilding the Third Reich and planning to take over the world.

It's just lucky the scientists show up because the Nazis are decomposing by the minute. Mengele could use an extra set of brains to solve the problem...

as well as any available leftover skin.

Tough to Swallow: The Asylum will make doctors out of anyone. This time it's Jake Busey.

The scientists are drilling into the ice and the drill hits metal, which appears to be only an inch or two below the surface.

The funniest CG moment is when the scientists discover the hangar -- the scientists are CG. The worst CG, in my opinion, is the UFO/warplanes shootout, especially the explosions.

The swastika on the back wall of the transplant room is reversed in the shot where Dr. Mengele first touches the face of the soldier.

The swastika on the outside of the castle and the one on the top of the spacecraft are also reversed.

The fancy German signs are out of place.

The credit for Set Decorator is misspelled as Set Decorater.

Something to Chew On: The budget was less than $200,000.

This is Lawson's feature directorial debut. He is also the visual effects supervisor for The Asylum.

The film took fewer than four months to make.

There is a theory that Adolf Hitler ordered a research journey in Antarctica to find an opening into the earth. Admiral Karl Dönitz mentioned "an invisible fortification, in midst of the eternal ice" during the Nuremberg Trials.

Of course, there have been several books about the possibility of Earth's center being hollow.

You'll hear a Wilhelm Scream in the opening scene.

This is the second movie Swain has appeared in that includes the removal of someone's face. Of course, the previous one was the 1997 blockbuster FACE/OFF.

The camera pans across four file folders in Dr. Mengele's organ transplant room. The folders are labeled: 1) Essen Babys, 2) Dreizehn, 3) Ich liebe es, Drogen zu tun and 4) Große Esel, Junge Dame. The fun part is when you translate those labels: 1) Eat babies, 2) Thirteen, 3) I love to do drugs and 4) Big ass, young lady.

I'm not familiar with the PC game "Wolfenstein 3D" (1992), but apparently the story and some characters are similar.

There's a really short scene at the end of the credits.

Aftertaste: Save the best for last, indeed. In my opinion, NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is the most entertaining movie produced by the The Asylum. Granted, counting this one, I've only seen five.

The title will grab you. That's a given. However, it's all the other crazy stuff that will totally engross you. A good portion of it will just gross you... out.

Flesh-eating bacteria? Check. Face transplants? Check. Implied probing? Check. Vaporizing guns? Check. Uncomfortable shower scene? Check. Boobs? Check. Exposed brains? Check. Abortion? Check. Robots? Check. UFOs? Check.

The action doesn't pick up until the final act, but the gore and twisted content more than make up for it. And, when I say twisted, I mean seriously twisted. It's on the verge of being a torture porn flick.

Probably the most chilling moment is when the female scientists are being led to the showers. It's in slow-motion. There's ominous music. And, given the Nazi history involving showers, you know it's probably not going to end well.

Johnson, as Mengele, steals the movie. He's the perfect mix of creepy and evil, and plays it straight. He looks like Ian McKellen or John Hurt, but with a rotting face. He would definitely give Bill Oberst, Jr. (ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. ZOMBIES) a fight if there were awards for best acting in a low-budget feature.

The rest of the acting is about on par with what you would expect from The Asylum.

I would say the only time the makeup effects don't work is with the "Mark"-face soldier.

Lawson's low-budget wonder and DEAD SNOW would make a great double feature on a cold, winter night.

Overall, I can't think of a way you'd be disappointed if you choose to pop this movie into you DVD player. I feel like I've talked this movie up as much as possible. It's all I can do.

If you don't watch NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH, it's no skin off my nose.

Rating:

Gut (2012) - Maybe You Can Stomach It

On the Menu: GUT (2012)

Ingredients: Jason Vail, Nicholas Wilder, Sarah Schoofs and Angie Ballaro. Directed by Elias. Run time: 90 minutes. Rated: Not rated.

At First Bite: I received a random email back in November from "Gut Productions" asking if I would like to review their film. I replied back and asked for a screener DVD. Well, it arrived in the mail about a week later, but I never got around to watching it. I feel pretty bad about putting it on the back burner. However, I haven't watched ANYTHING since THE CAMPAIGN, which was the night before the election.

Needless to say, more movies need to be watched in 2013. Starting now.

Tom (Vail) is a family man with a 9-to-5 job. Problem is he seems bored with his life. Cue Dan (Wilder), Tom's goofy best friend since childhood.

Dan comes to possess what might be a snuff film and decides it's just what Tom needs to unwind.

Instead, Tom becomes unhinged.

Tough to Swallow: Not sure there was enough gore to be classified as a horror film.

Nearly every scene cuts or fades to black. I mean, it should definitely be the focus of a drinking game.

The pacing is painfully slow at times, and shots seem to linger too much, especially when nothing is happening.

Vail seems adept at acting with his facial expressions, but his delivery is stale.

The office setting leaves a lot to be desired.

I'm guessing budget constraints kept any police officers from making the cast list. Otherwise, I don't see how you can disappear from work for a day or two and be replaced immediately without someone calling the cops.

The ending will leave you scratching your head... or shaking your head. I didn't sympathize with either lead character because I never felt emotionally connected with them.

Make sure your pets aren't around for the end credits. The music is loud and irritating, and it made my cats freak out. I can't imagine the effect it would have on dogs.

Something to Chew On: This is the second feature film directed by Elias. His first was the 2006 film LovecraCked! The Movie.

Elias also wrote and edited the film. He's also listed as one of the producers.

Several crew members make appearances in the movie.

The budget was under $500,000.

The film was shot entirely on location in New York and New Jersey. Filming lasted approximately 28 days.

It was shot with a Canon EOS 7D (within two weeks of the camera's U.S. street date).

Won Best Feature and Best Special Effects in the 2012 New York City Horror Film Festival.

Producer Anna Ganster is also the director's wife.

Aftertaste: GUT does not depend on dialogue. I know some movie watchers are turned off by those types of films, e.g., CAST AWAY and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. It doesn't bother me. Less is more, if done properly. The silence in GUT will probably make you bored because the film's pace drags so often. There are far too many scenes with characters issuing blank stares.

The acting is hit-and-miss. Wilder's Dan comes across as a slightly creepy oddball, who might be jealous of his best friend's wife. However, more often than not, Wilder himself comes across as awkward. Vail always appears seething, but struggles with delivering his lines. Schoofs might possibly be the best actor of the group even though she doesn't get as much screen time.

I think some of the best scenes in the movie are the ones portraying the "live" version of the snuff films. I still don't understand how we get that perspective if the DVDs are simply mailed to Dan. How are we privy to the behind-the-scenes stuff?

Now, the most impressive scene has to be Tom's first dream after watching the DVD. It just might be the lone highlight.

The soundtrack is definitely unsettling. I'd say it sets the tone and then some. Seriously though, hit the mute button once the credits start because the music turns into nails on a chalkboard really fast.

It's arguable as to whether or not the ending provides any answers to what transpired the previous 80+ minutes. Personally, I'd like to think the killer isn't an unknown figure and Tom is justified in his final actions. However, that wasn't my thinking while I was watching the movie seeing as how we're not given a concrete reason for us to think otherwise. Unfortunately, by the end, I didn't really care enough either way.

I sat down to watch this with no expectations. I was neither totally disappointed or blown away. This low-budget indie thriller could have benefited from experienced actors, better editing and a more concise script.

That's my GUT reaction.

Rating: 

Hatchet II (2010) - Not Enough Treats

On the Menu: HATCHET II (2010)

Ingredients: Danielle Harris, Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Parry Shen, Tom Holland, Ed Ackerman, AJ Bowen, R.A. Mihailoff and John Carl Buechler. Directed by Adam Green. Run time: 85 minutes. Rated: Unrated.

At First Bite: I watched HATCHET not long after it came out on DVD. I thought it was pretty decent (3.5 stars) and bought it. Why not watch the sequel then?

Marybeth (Harris) survived the first movie, but her father and brother did not.

She goes to Reverend Zombie (Todd) for help, and he enlists a crew to hunt down Victor Crowley once and for all.

$500 to risk my life hunting a hatchet-wielding killer?

I'll pass, but good luck.

Tough to Swallow: Love seeing Harris in another horror movie, but her acting here is atrocious. Her emotion and delivery don't quite jell. You can tell she's trying really hard, but it's painful to watch.

The first death is pretty silly, as is what happens to Reverend Zombie.

In a flashback, Lena dies, but you see her moving as the scene ends.

The blood spraying is gratuitous.

In the soundtrack portion of the credits, "Courtesy of" appears to be repeated accidentally on the third line of info for the song "Old School."

Something to Chew On: The original was released in 2006. A third film is set to be released sometime in 2013.

In the original, Marybeth was played by Tamara Feldman.

Aside from Hodder (Jason Voorhees in 4 films) and Todd (Candyman), the first film also included Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger). Joshua Leonard (THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT) and Deon Richmond (SCREAM 3) were also in the cast.

Harris appeared in three HALLOWEEN films: HALLOWEEN 4, HALLOWEEN 5 and Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN remake.

Some lines reference Jason Voorhees, the Blair Witch and Leslie Vernon. 

Holland, who plays Bob, wrote and directed CHILD'S PLAY and the original FRIGHT NIGHT.

David Foy plays Chad. In the original, he went uncredited as a hillbilly.

Shawn Ashmore and Emma Bell appear uncredited. They both also starred in FROZEN, which was also directed by Green. Green had to split his shooting schedule for HATCHET II into two parts due to promotional work for FROZEN. Schedule #1 was January 7-13, 2010. Schedule #2 was January 15-February 24. FROZEN hit theaters on February 5, 2010.

The news is on at Jack Cracker's place after he rescues Marybeth. The interviewee is Bell's character from FROZEN. Ashmore appears in an earlier montage as a fisherman.

Ackerman, Hodder, Green, Rileah Vanderbilt and Joe Lynch are all in HATCHET II and FROZEN as well.

Green also wrote and executive produced the film. He has a cameo in the movie as a guy puking.

One hundred and thirty-six gallons of fake blood were used.

A crew member is actually credited as Voodoo Fluffer. What exactly is that?

Aftertaste: Well, it's not as good as its predecessor. The acting, especially from Harris, is shake-your-head bad through most of the movie.

I don't quite understand the reason to go back to the swamp to face Crowley right after you escaped with your life. Yeah, you don't need to retrieve the dead bodies. Just call the police.

But, it's a horror movie. Duh.

I will say the kills progressively get better and more creative throughout the film, but the movie itself isn't really scary. It's bloody, sure. I mean, it rains buckets of blood, but there aren't even any jump scares.

What I enjoy most are the treats of the horror movie references.

However, those won't save this from being just your average splatter flick.

I feel tricked.

Rating:

The Cabin in the Woods (2012) - Spicing Up the Recipe

On the Menu: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

Ingredients: Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Jodelle Ferland and Sigourney Weaver. Directed by Drew Goddard. Run time: 95 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: I thought this was supposed to be out on DVD months ago, but it was released just a few weeks ago. I made sure to grab it when it did.

Curt (Hemsworth) and his friends take a little vacation to the woods. Apparently, his cousin owns a cabin there.

Meanwhile, two technicians (Jenkins and Whitford) in a control room appear to be keeping tabs on the college kids' every move.

Something weird is going on, for sure.

Tough to Swallow: There are a few continuity issues, e.g., a disappearing football here and a disappearing towel there.

I don't quite understand the point of the elaborate "games." Are we to believe the "Ones" are actually watching?

Opening the film with the twist isn't as effective as having the twist more than halfway through.

Something to Chew On: The film had an estimated budget of $30 million. Its worldwide box office totaled just under $66 million.

This is Goddard's directorial debut.

Goddard co-wrote the film with Joss Whedon. Whedon is also one of the film's producers. Goddard was also a writer for Whedon's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel."

There are several horror movie references and homages, including THE EVIL DEAD, HELLRAISER, CUBE, THE SHINING and STEPHEN KING'S IT. A Reaver from Whedon's "Firefly" also makes an appearance.

The theatrical release date of February 5, 2010 was postponed because MGM wanted the film converted to 3D. The 3D release date was to be January 14, 2011, but MGM announced on June 14, 2010 it would be delayed indefinitely due to the studio's financial troubles. MGM filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy five months later. The release date ended up being April 13, 2012.

A tie-in with the PC/Xbox 360 game Left 4 Dead was canceled due to MGM's financial woes, but three of the characters from the game appear in the movie.

Aftertaste: It's difficult to really talk about the movie without spoiling it. Basically, THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is a deconstruction of the horror genre (think BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON or SCREAM or, more recently, TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL). Why do friends always split up rather than stick together? Why does the virgin always survive? The movie answers these questions and more.

Personally, I prefer watching the technicians' side of things. Jenkins and Whitford provide the most interesting characters, by far.

Is the film too clever for its own good? Perhaps. It's not perfect. There are a few WTF moments that might leave you shaking your head. And, it's funnier than it is scary, which doesn't bode well for a horror flick. But, hey, it's the guy's first shot at directing. He did a respectable job.

What I can say is THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is different. It's nice to get away from torture porn and the never-ending list of horror remakes we see each year.

I think it definitely takes the genre and provides a much-needed kick.

Rating:

Foodie (2012) - A True Delicacy

On the Menu: FOODIE (2012)

Ingredients: Nick Karner, David Berberian, Jeff Alguire, Tony Hughes, Meredith Leigh Sause, Tracey Coppedge, Emlee Vassilos, Gilly Conklin, John Jimerson and Alena Koch. Directed by Christopher G. Moore. Run time: 29 minutes. Rated: Not rated.

At First Bite: A friend and former coworker, Christopher Moore, has made some pretty impressive short films in the last few years: HARD STAPLED, BURSTERS, I SEE U and FLUSH WITH FEAR. And, they've progressively gotten better. FOODIE is his latest, and it's making the rounds on the festival circuit.

C-Mo, as I affectionately call him, was my boss back when I worked at a video store while in college. Everyone there knew he would be doing stuff like this eventually. And, we all knew he'd be great at it.

Mueller (Karner) loves food. It's what he lives for, and the culmination of his existence occurs when his co-worker, Chef Lando (Berberian), invites him to attend a top-secret supper club called Kitchen X.

The other attendees include the host chef, Brandon X (Hughes), Teddy (Sause), French Milt (Alguire), Darla (Vassilos), Shannon (Conklin) and the wine aficionados, Beth (Coppedge) and Greg (Jimerson).

First rule of Kitchen X? You do not talk about Kitchen X.

Oops.

Second Helping: Honestly, I've watched the movie about 8 times just to make sure I got my fill. There's more pressure when you're writing a review for someone you know, and you want to give your best effort.

Tough to Swallow: The wine commercial ran a little long for my tastes (about 30 seconds too long). We get the gist of Beth and Greg's obsession with the S&M portion, and there's enough of their crazy left over to see at dinner. Also, I think we should have seen the ad from Mueller's perspective only -- its TV quality makes it stand out from the crispness of the rest of the film.

The quality of audio changes during Mueller's phone conversation with Hannah. It's most notable at the end. Perhaps his last couple lines were added in later because they sound more hollow than the rest.

The cell phone has no service when Mueller answers it.

Mueller's scream can be heard in the dining room, but Greg's scream, a room closer to the dinner guests, goes pretty much unnoticed.

The blood smear on the fridge varies by shot.

The focus is soft here and there.

To me, the introduction to the bathtub scene might have worked better had it been a slow reveal.

I question why Mueller receives the invitation. Food is his life. There isn't a motive for his selection. I'd understand the choice if he had run a competing restaurant out of business, made someone sick, fired someone, etc. It would seem just as easy to create a similar scheme for someone like Shannon Von Vuster, whose ties to food go unmentioned, or blogger Darla, who might have written a bad review.

After multiple viewings, Brandon's accent begins to become unappetizing. I think maybe it was just that the actor repeatedly uses a filler in mid-sentence ("I would like to thank Beth and, uh, Greg for pairing this with their lovely pinot from, uh, Stover Creek.")

Something to Chew On: Moore directed, co-wrote, produced and edited the film. He also shares the credit for visual effects.

The budget was $3,326, which was raised through Kickstarter.

Co-writer and co-producer Eryk Pruitt is also credited as an extra. He is also the owner of the bathtub.

Moore said he came onto the film in August 2011 and worked on pre-production until shooting began in November. Shooting continued into December, and pick-up shots were filmed in January. The first screening was April 28 at the Cape Fear Independent Film Festival.

Exteriors of Kitchen X were shot at The Myers House in Hillsborough, NC.

Brandon's ringtone is the theme from Moore's BURSTERS.

POV shots were influenced by Jonathan Demme's SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. BBC's "Sherlock" inspired some transitions.

Being a STAR WARS geek, I'm sure Moore had something to do with the naming of Chef Lando.

I think there is a nod to FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF as well (when Hannah calls Mueller's name twice on the phone).

FOODIE was nominated for Best Horror at the 2012 Cape Fear Independent Film Festival.

The flick won the Grand Prize award for Best Original Fiction at the 2012 ConCarolinas Short Film Festival.

Don't confuse this film with the 2012 13-minute short called FOODIE directed by Aaron Rudelson.

Check out this clever bit of marketing (1 of 6):

Aftertaste: I feel really awful that it took me nearly a month to get this review out into the world.

Note to self: Make sure you're connected to the internet when typing a full review on your blog. The reason? Because your computer automatically saves your progress if you're connected, and you'll have that backup if your computer decides to freeze. Otherwise, you have to start over from scratch, which, as you can see by the length of this review, is a pain in the rump.

Okay, on to the review. I was really excited to see this film. I would say the horror comedy is my favorite of all genres. Plus, it's a movie where food is front and center, which is perfect for this blog.

The opening title sequence is very impressive. Seriously, it's probably one of my favorite things about the film. It really gets your mouth watering.

The writing is smart. We're introduced to a ridiculous amount of foodie vocabulary, which might as well have been Greek. The one-liners aren't too cheesy and don't feel forced. Credit also goes to the actors. Most of the them seem to deliver their lines with ease. The character of Beth is a little overpowering, but I don't fault Coppedge in her acting. Mueller, on the other hand, is rather bland for a protagonist. As far as the best characters go, French Milt and Chef Lando take the cake.

Camerawork is another plus. My favorite moments include Mueller walking down the hallway, the canted angle shot when Brandon announces dinner is ready, and the low angle shot in the kitchen near the end. I was also very pleased with the editing. The transition from the inside of Mueller's car to the outside of Kitchen X is pretty sweet. Two other transitions I enjoyed are choice cuts on sound, e.g., the clinking of wine glasses --> Hannah and her wine glass, and the thud on the floor --> Mueller opening his eyes.

The inclusion of Darla's "tweet" is a fun touch as well.

I have to say the special effects are awesome considering the budget. Normally, I'm okay with movie blood, but the scene with the cleaver almost made my stomach turn every time. It's rather unsavory. Funnily enough, the only other movie to make me feel similar was RULES OF ATTRACTION, and it was also a scene featuring a bathtub (I almost passed out).

The final shot of the film is, by far, is my favorite thing of all. Just exquisite.

Watching FOODIE reminded me of a little of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME and the 1995 black comedy THE LAST SUPPER, which would be a nice pairing if you were planning on a movie night. Other enticing double-feature ideas would be DELICATESSEN, PARENTS, EATING RAOUL and RAVENOUS.

Moore's FOODIE might be just around 30 minutes long, but it brings a lot to the table. Sure, it's not perfect, but every film has its gristle.

So, look for this at a film festival near you. If you aren't lucky enough to find a screening, keep up with the film on Facebook or its own website.

And, if you've seen FOODIE and don't agree with me that it's finger lickin' good...

Eat me.

Rating:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) - It Bites

On the Menu: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (2012)

Ingredients: Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Rufus Sewell, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jimmi Simpson, Marton Csokas and Erin Wasson. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Run time: 105 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: Seth Grahame-Smith's novel is one of my favorite books of the last five years. I can't say I was shocked to find out there was going to be a movie version, but I was definitely psyched to see it. Without a second thought, I spent the required $15 for the 3D version in an RPX theater (60-ft screen, dual 30K lumen digital projectors and 100,000-watt sound system) for the midnight premiere.

Abraham Lincoln (Walker) turns to vampire hunting after one of the monsters kills his mother.

A vampire hunter named Henry (Cooper) helps Abe and takes him under his wing, and recruits him to kill evil vampires.

Tough to Swallow: The movie is loosely based on the novel. Really loose. So loose, in fact, the only things it really has in common with the book are Abraham Lincoln and vampires.

Jack Barts (Csokas) plays too prominent of a role, and two other baddies have been invented.

Henry's origin story is different (the book's version is awesome) and the truth about him doesn't come out until about an hour into the movie.

Will Johnson (Mackie) is a brand new character and plays a significant role, while several more important characters are missing completely.

Vampires can't kill vampires? Silver? Invisibility?

The second floor balcony of the White House is visible a few times. It wasn't there until the late 1940s.

The most disappointing part was the ending. The movie quits two endings before the book did.

Something to Chew On: Based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the screenplay. Apparently, there were many, many drafts, and another writer came in while Grahame-Smith took time to work on DARK SHADOWS.

Walker beat out Timothy Olyphant, Eric Bana, Adrien Brody, Josh Lucas, Oliver Jackson-Cohen and James D'Arcy for the role of Lincoln.

Tom Hardy had to turn down the role of Lincoln due to scheduling conflicts with THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

Joaquin Phoenix turned down the role of Henry.

Alan Tudyk, probably one of the bigger names of the cast, appears uncredited as Stephen A. Douglas.

Aftertaste: Man, I was really disappointed with this movie. Would I have enjoyed it more if I hadn't read the novel first? Possibly.

But, then I would have read the book after watching the movie, and still been pissed about the movie.

I kept thinking about how about Benjamin Walker reminded me of Liam Neeson and Eric Bana. I also kept thinking they should have tried to get Nathan Fillion to play Abe. More star power probably would have helped.

The action is decent, but over-the-top, especially in the stampede and train scenes.

Essentially, Bekmambetov took a brilliant mix of history and fiction and tried to turn it into a straight-up action thriller. Ugh. It's so infuriating. This should not have been a summer blockbuster-type film in 3D. It should have been a smart, 2D horror flick released sometime closer to Halloween.

In conclusion, read the book and don't watch the movie.

Or, watch the movie and don't read the book.

Otherwise, you'll be in for a letdown.

It's really like taking a stake to the heart.

Sorry. Just being honest, Abe.

Rating:

ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Leftovers

On the Menu: THE RAID: REDEMPTION (2011)

Aftertaste: Possibly the best action flick of ActionFest 2012.

Rating:

On the Menu: THE DAY (2011)

Aftertaste: Like THE ROAD, but with young peeps, including the lovely Shannyn Sossamon.

Rating:

On the Menu: BAD ASS (2012)

Aftertaste: A real-life viral video becomes a vigilante flick starring Danny Trejo. It's WALKING TALL with a fanny pack.

Rating:

On the Menu: COMIN' AT YA! 3D (1981)

Aftertaste: The most fun movie at ActionFest 2012 not named MANBORG, but it's not purposefully ridiculous. It's just ridiculous.

Rating:

On the Menu: SLEEPLESS NIGHT (2011)

Aftertaste: This secret screening was a nice surprise. You'd never know Tomer Sisley is a stand-up comedian by trade. Dude rocks the action-thrillers.

Rating:

On the Menu: THE LOST BLADESMAN (2011)

Aftertaste: A little confusing with all the characters, and I was hoping for more action. More of a drama until the second half.

Rating:

On the Menu: GOD BLESS AMERICA (2011)

Aftertaste: Goldthwait's stuff is always risky/ballsy. Twisted and over-the-top, but I agree with most of the soapboxing when it comes to how our culture has devolved.

Rating:

On the Menu: WONDER WOMEN! (2012)

Aftertaste: A well-done mix of comic book history and girl power. Sometimes inspirational, too. I'm still waiting for the live-action Wonder Woman summer blockbuster. I vote for Gina Carano.

Rating:

Prometheus (2012) - Like Beautiful Swiss Cheese

On the Menu: PROMETHEUS (2012)

Ingredients: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Guy Pearce, Charlize Theron, Logan Marshall-Green, Idris Elba, Rafe Spall, Sean Harris, Kate Dickie, Emun Elliott and Benedict Wong. Directed by Ridley Scott. Run time: 124 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: The trailer looked pretty cool, but I can't say I was anxiously anticipating the film's release. However, my co-worker Jared was totally psyched to see it. So, we checked out the opening midnight show.

It's 2089. A couple of archaeologists, Shaw (Rapace) and Holloway (Marshall-Green), have discovered a map in cave drawings from around the world. They believe it's an invitation from our creators.

Four years later, Weyland Corporation sends a crew of top scientists, along with an android named David (Fassbender), aboard the spaceship Prometheus to find answers to the origin of mankind.

Of course, things don't go quite as planned.

Tough to Swallow: David tells Vickers the crew has been in hyper sleep for 2 years, 4 months, 18 days, 36 hours and 15 minutes. 36 hours? How many hours are in a day in the year 2093?

In Shaw's dreams, she is a child speaking to her father, but we see the child. Most of my dreams are from my point-of-view.

Pretty sure David would have had to learn more than symbols to be able to SPEAK the alien language.

You'd think top scientists wouldn't want to contaminate an alien planet. Seems like there is no protocol at all in this movie.

The decapitated Engineer's head wouldn't gurgle without lungs.

Something to Chew On: PROMETHEUS is a spin-off of ALIEN, not a prequel. Although, it comes really close to being a prequel.

The film was originally titled PARADISE (December 2010).

Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman, Anne Hathaway and Olivia Wilde were a few actresses considered for the role of Shaw.

James Franco was considered for the role of Holloway.

Michelle Yeoh was considered for the role of Vickers.

Patrick Wilson appears in a dream as Shaw's father.

Ian Whyte, who plays the Last Engineer, has also been cast as predators in the ALIEN VS. PREDATOR series.

The Weyland logo appears as part of David's fingerprint.

At the end of the credits, a logo appears and reads "Brought to you by Weyland Corporation - Building better worlds. Since 10/11/12."

Aftertaste: I've seen all the ALIEN films, but I'm not a fan boy when it comes to the series, which is probably why Jared was more disappointed in the movie than I was.

To me, the best part of PROMETHEUS is its look. I wouldn't be surprised to see an Oscar nomination/win for Best Art Direction.

Fassbender and Rapace are the two bright spots in the cast. Fassbender's David is the most intriguing character, by far. He's an android with a thirst for knowledge, a love of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA and a super-creepy vibe. The creepiness comes into play because he seems to be programmed to be curious and mischievous for no reason.

Shaw has the best scene of the movie. I won't ruin it for you, but it involves the med pod.

So, that's three things the movie has going for it. I'll make it four by adding the connection to Greek mythology. I love me some Greek mythology.

Prometheus is known for creating humans from clay and stealing fire from the gods. He gave the fire to humans and was punished by the gods for it. Okay. I think the Engineers represent Prometheus, the black goo is the fire and the xenomorphs are the gods. The recordings of the Engineers running to escape something seem to suggest a form of punishment, perhaps, but for what? Giving the black goo to humans? That is yet to be seen.

The science parts are just too laughable to take seriously. I spent most of the 124 minutes shaking my head.

People are complaining that the film leaves too many questions unanswered. Eh. Whatever.

There will be a sequel, I'm sure. Luckily, I don't have to worry about as many crappy scientists next time around.

Despite the numerous holes in logic, PROMETHEUS is visually stunning.

Rating:

Transit (2012) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Plate #4

On the Menu: TRANSIT (2012)

Ingredients: Jim Caviezel, James Frain, Harold Perrineau, Diora Baird, Ryan Donowho, Sterling Knight, Elisabeth Röhm and Jake Cherry. Directed by Antonio Negret. Run time: 88 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: The 9:30/9:45 time slot came down to either TRANSIT or the Swedish flick HEADHUNTERS. My buddy, Chris, picked the former, so I accompanied him. HEADHUNTERS was playing the next day, and this was the only showing of TRANSIT.

Nate (Caviezel) is taking his family on a camping trip in hopes to reconnect with his sons and regain the trust of his wife. See, Nate just served 18 months in the pokey for real estate fraud.

A foursome of bank robbers, led by Marek (Frain), is looking to sneak passed the roadblocks set up to catch them. The family's taken a pit stop, and the robbers spot their vehicle, which is loaded down with camping gear. Perfect. Just take one of the bags and switch out the gear for the stolen cash, then retrieve it later down the road.

Really, how could this plan go wrong?

Tough to Swallow: I question the effectiveness of police roadblocks that ignore suspect profiles.

The audio dropped out right before the hotel rampage scene. After about four minutes the projectionist fixed the problem, but we didn't get to go back and listen to what we missed.

Marek throws a machete, if I remember correctly, at Nate's vehicle. It smashes the windshield, but the windshield is fine in subsequent scenes.

Logic gets thrown out the window several times. Seriously, based on their actions later in the movie, how were the antagonists smart enough to rob a bank in the first place? How did the guy in the boat know something was hidden in the swamp?

Something to Chew On: North American premiere at ActionFest 2012.

Frain won the award for Best Villain at ActionFest 2012.

The film's budget was an estimated $5 million.

Aftertaste: It's a fairly intense thriller with some amazing stunt driving. However, the dialogue is laughable and the characters are stupid. The cheese factor is very high here. I can't remember the number of facepalms I made while listening to the family's conversations.

I spent most of the time wishing Nate would just forget about his family. They suck for the most part, especially his wife.

The quick pace somewhat masks the ridiculous script, but not entirely. Luckily, the run time is only 88 minutes.

I can't recommend this one... unless you're looking for intensity with a big side of crap.

Rating:

Sinners and Saints (2010) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Plate #3

On the Menu: SINNERS AND SAINTS (2010)

Ingredients: Johnny Strong, Sean Patrick Flanery, Tom Berenger, Method Man, Costas Mandylor, Luis Mandylor, Jürgen Prochnow, Kevin Phillips, Bas Rutten, Kim Coates and Sonny Puzikas. Directed by William Kaufman. Run time: 104 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: Honestly, the only reason I marked this movie down on my ActionFest schedule was because Tom Berenger was scheduled to appear. I didn't know the plot. I didn't know who else was in it. I didn't know it was already on DVD. I just wanted to get my VHS copy of THE SUBSTITUTE signed by Shale himself.

Detective Sean Riley (Strong) has had it rough as of late. His son has died. His wife has left him.

After a raid goes bad, he's assigned to investigate a recent string of murders, where the victims are being burned repeatedly. One of the vics is the brother of a gang lord. Oops.

Hello, gang war.

Tough to Swallow: The mercenaries don't seem very well-trained or bright.

The majority of the "big" names in the cast only have a handful of scenes.

There is a credit for post-production assistant, but two people are listed.

In the credits, special contributors is misspelled as contributers.

Something to Chew On: Strong did the music for the film. He also did his own stunts. The dude is a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, an accomplished Mixed Martial Artist and makes knives.

The name of the bar in the movie is Boondock Saint. Flanery, of course, is one of the stars of BOONDOCK SAINTS and its sequel.

Flanery has now been in four films with the word 'saints' in the title. The first was PALE SAINTS in 1997.

Puzikas was also the film's tactical advisor. He is a former Russian Special Forces operative.

The movie was released on DVD on January 10, 2012 (three months before I saw it at ActionFest).

The film's showing at ActionFest was its domestic premiere.

SINNERS AND SAINTS 2 will go into production in the fall of 2012.

Aftertaste: Not a bad cop thriller considering it's a low-budget independent flick. It was actually filmed in New Orleans, and you'd never know it since we don't really see any landmarks or Mardi Gras parades. Instead, we get post-Katrina neighborhoods posing as cesspools full of drugs and gang violence.

The story is all over the place. The dialogue is lackluster. The acting, aside from Strong, is pretty sad.

But, but, but... there's lots of gunfire and people being burned. To me, violence is really the key ingredient for an action film. Schwarzenegger is as wooden an actor as there is, but his movies are fun because there are explosions, shootouts and people die in horrific ways. And, SINNERS AND SAINTS is full of intense, sometimes graphic, violence.

Kudos to Kaufman for using mostly practical special effects. Old school > CGI.

Kaufman says the sequel will have more exciting action, so I'll look forward to that.

Hopefully, the script will be better, too.

By the way, I got the VHS signed.

Rating:

In Time (2011) - February Filmathon Film #10

On the Menu: IN TIME (2011)

Ingredients: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, Olivia Wilde, Johnny Galecki, Alex Pettyfer, Matt Bomer and Vincent Kartheister. Directed by Andrew Niccol. Run time: 109 minutes. Rated: PG-13.

At First Bite: Looked like a fun sci-fi thriller from the trailer.

Will Salas (Timberlake) lives in a world where everyone stops aging at 25 years old. When that year is up the person dies unless they acquire more time. See, time is also the currency. You work to get time and that time keeps you alive.

Society is split up into Time Zones. The poor joes living hour-by-hour populate the lower zones. The rich, and elderly despite their looks, dwell in the fancy cities of the higher zones.

Will happens upon a butt-load of time, but only wants to bring the system to its knees.

Tough to Swallow: Will's mom (Wilde) celebrates her 50th birthday. Will comments that she'll be celebrating her 25th birthday for the 25th time. It would actually be the 26th celebration.

I wish Leon (Murphy) would have had more character development. He was the most interesting character in the film, to me.

Something to Chew On: Some characters have names of real-life watchmakers: Fortis, Kolber, Girard, Rado, Oris, Breitling, Nomos, Jaeger, Bell, Citizen, Ulysse and Hamilton.

Timberlake, Seyfried, Wilde and Kartheiser also starred together in ALPHA DOG.

Niccol also wrote and produced the film. GATTACA (4 stars), S1M0NE (3.5 stars) and LORD OF WAR (4 stars) are the other films he's both written and directed. 

Aftertaste: The plot is like something out of a Philip K. Dick story, but the film is more on the level of IMPOSTOR or NEXT rather than MINORITY REPORT or BLADE RUNNER. Niccol's film reminds me of LOGAN'S RUN mixed with ROBIN HOOD and a little BONNIE & CLYDE thrown in for good measure.

The concept of time as money is interesting, as is the feeling of immortality based on how "rich" a person is. The class warfare storyline will likely touch a chord with those who follow politics and the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Unfortunately, a movie can't succeed on concept alone. The movie is rife with plot holes. I don't quite understand why your "life savings" would be visible to everyone at all times (unless you wear a long-sleeve shirt). Or why it's so easy to just take someone else's life by grabbing his wrist. Or why we need to know about Will's dad. Or why there are so few police. Or why someone's personal security guards don't know one another. Or why rich people with lots of time think they're immortal when someone could simply kill them via gunshot.

It feels like Niccol didn't really know how to flesh out the story. He essentially took his wonderful idea and turned it into a chase movie with little to no resolution.

I like the cleverness of naming characters after watchmakers when your movie revolves around time.

It's an okay movie that could have been much, much better. The relevance of the social commentary is reason enough to take a chance on it.

Tick-tock though. Soon everyone will forget about wealth inequality and be focused on more important issues like birth control and abortion. *rolls eyes*

Rating:

Colombiana (2011) - February Filmathon Film #8

On the Menu: COLOMBIANA (2011)

Ingredients: Zoë Saldana, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Beto Benites, Graham McTavish and Amandla Stenberg. Directed by Olivier Megaton. Run time: 111 minutes. Rated: Unrated.

At First Bite: I needed an action movie to watch and Saldana is gorgeous. If the screenplay is written by Luc Besson (LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL, LA FEMME NIKITA), you could probably guess the story: a young woman's parents have been killed and she's going to seek revenge.

Well, if you guessed that plotline, then you'd be correct.

Tough to Swallow: Manhole covers must be pretty lightweight in Colombia.

Do the police not get a mugshot of everyone they arrest?

If you've successfully hidden in your mansion's safe room, why would you leave knowing who is in your house?

Not sure you can train a dog to eat raw steaks and get the result COLOMBIANA achieved.

Young Cataleya (Stenberg) reads a Xena: Warrior Princess comic and says she wants to be like Xena. The film is set in 1992. Xena wasn't around until three years later.

The word personal is misspelled as 'personnal' in two credits for Saldana's make up artist and hair stylist.

The word prosthetics is misspelled as 'prostetics' in the credit for Prosthetics Artists.

In the France Unit section of the credits, there's a credit for Location Manager Assistants, but lists only one person. Also in this section, the word assistants is misspelled as 'assitants' in the credit for Video Assistants.

In the Additional Footages credits, licensing is misspelled as 'licencing' for Universal Studios.

Something to Chew On: Besson wrote the screenplay and has a producer credit.

Director Olivier Megaton's birth name is Olivier Fontana. He was born on the 20th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, which is where he came up with the Megaton surname.

Aftertaste: Man, there are so many ridiculous moments in this movie (some listed above). Cataleya is supposedly an intelligent assassin with nearly 15 years of experience. Why chance losing the rest of your family while killing nobodies in an attempt to draw the attention of your real target? She's really careless.

And, the police are no better. The Tag Killer can't be a woman? Okay, if you say so. Ugh, and Callum Blue is just as bad an actor here as he was in FRENEMY. His CIA agent is a poorly written character anyway.

Some of the action is okay. I'd say the best part of the movie is when we see Young Cataleya. She jumps from building to building in parkour fashion. But, even the bad guys try to ruin this sequence. The head baddie tells his goons to kill her, then yells at one guy for shooting at her because "we need her alive." Then, he and all his goons end up shooting at the last place they saw her.

You'll definitely be scratching your head a lot... or laughing.

It might keep your interest if you're unfamiliar with Besson's previous works. The oftentimes scantily clad Saldana couldn't even keep me from forgetting the plot holes.

He should have skipped on this and written the sequel to LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL. Please bring back Natalie Portman for MATHILDA.

Sort of ironic the director named himself for a bomb, isn't it.

Rating: