Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012) - High Cheese Factor-athon Film #3

On the Menu: NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (2012)

Ingredients: Jake Busey, Dominique Swain, Josh Allen, Christopher K. Johnson, James Maxwell, Lilan Bowden, Marlene Okner, Maria Pallas, Abderrahim Halaimia and Trevor Kuhn. Directed by Joseph J. Lawson. Run time: 89 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: So, this beauty was the third and final cheesy flick of my cheesy flick marathon. Save the best for last?

A group of researchers in Antarctica, led by Dr. Riestad (Busey), stumble upon a giant hole in the ice leading to a breathtakingly beautiful land at the center of the earth.

One slight hiccup.

Dr. Josef Mengele (Johnson) is down there rebuilding the Third Reich and planning to take over the world.

It's just lucky the scientists show up because the Nazis are decomposing by the minute. Mengele could use an extra set of brains to solve the problem...

as well as any available leftover skin.

Tough to Swallow: The Asylum will make doctors out of anyone. This time it's Jake Busey.

The scientists are drilling into the ice and the drill hits metal, which appears to be only an inch or two below the surface.

The funniest CG moment is when the scientists discover the hangar -- the scientists are CG. The worst CG, in my opinion, is the UFO/warplanes shootout, especially the explosions.

The swastika on the back wall of the transplant room is reversed in the shot where Dr. Mengele first touches the face of the soldier.

The swastika on the outside of the castle and the one on the top of the spacecraft are also reversed.

The fancy German signs are out of place.

The credit for Set Decorator is misspelled as Set Decorater.

Something to Chew On: The budget was less than $200,000.

This is Lawson's feature directorial debut. He is also the visual effects supervisor for The Asylum.

The film took fewer than four months to make.

There is a theory that Adolf Hitler ordered a research journey in Antarctica to find an opening into the earth. Admiral Karl Dönitz mentioned "an invisible fortification, in midst of the eternal ice" during the Nuremberg Trials.

Of course, there have been several books about the possibility of Earth's center being hollow.

You'll hear a Wilhelm Scream in the opening scene.

This is the second movie Swain has appeared in that includes the removal of someone's face. Of course, the previous one was the 1997 blockbuster FACE/OFF.

The camera pans across four file folders in Dr. Mengele's organ transplant room. The folders are labeled: 1) Essen Babys, 2) Dreizehn, 3) Ich liebe es, Drogen zu tun and 4) Große Esel, Junge Dame. The fun part is when you translate those labels: 1) Eat babies, 2) Thirteen, 3) I love to do drugs and 4) Big ass, young lady.

I'm not familiar with the PC game "Wolfenstein 3D" (1992), but apparently the story and some characters are similar.

There's a really short scene at the end of the credits.

Aftertaste: Save the best for last, indeed. In my opinion, NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is the most entertaining movie produced by the The Asylum. Granted, counting this one, I've only seen five.

The title will grab you. That's a given. However, it's all the other crazy stuff that will totally engross you. A good portion of it will just gross you... out.

Flesh-eating bacteria? Check. Face transplants? Check. Implied probing? Check. Vaporizing guns? Check. Uncomfortable shower scene? Check. Boobs? Check. Exposed brains? Check. Abortion? Check. Robots? Check. UFOs? Check.

The action doesn't pick up until the final act, but the gore and twisted content more than make up for it. And, when I say twisted, I mean seriously twisted. It's on the verge of being a torture porn flick.

Probably the most chilling moment is when the female scientists are being led to the showers. It's in slow-motion. There's ominous music. And, given the Nazi history involving showers, you know it's probably not going to end well.

Johnson, as Mengele, steals the movie. He's the perfect mix of creepy and evil, and plays it straight. He looks like Ian McKellen or John Hurt, but with a rotting face. He would definitely give Bill Oberst, Jr. (ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. ZOMBIES) a fight if there were awards for best acting in a low-budget feature.

The rest of the acting is about on par with what you would expect from The Asylum.

I would say the only time the makeup effects don't work is with the "Mark"-face soldier.

Lawson's low-budget wonder and DEAD SNOW would make a great double feature on a cold, winter night.

Overall, I can't think of a way you'd be disappointed if you choose to pop this movie into you DVD player. I feel like I've talked this movie up as much as possible. It's all I can do.

If you don't watch NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH, it's no skin off my nose.

Rating:

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) High Cheese Factor-athon Film #2

On the Menu: 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (2012)

Ingredients: Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell, Brooke Hogan, Geoff Ward, David Gallegos, Corinne Nobili and Shannan Stewart. Directed by Christopher Ray. Run time: 88 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: The B-movie marathon continues with another winner from The Asylum.

Professor Babbish (O'Connell) and his wife (Electra) take a group of eighteen college students on a Semester at Sea trip. Unbeknownst to everyone on board the Sea King, a two-headed shark has damaged the hull.

The professor and students use a dinghy to travel to a nearby deserted atoll in order to look for scrap metal. Then, for some reason, there are earthquakes and the atoll starts sinking.

College students + boats + earthquakes + two-headed shark = lots of blood in the water.

Tough to Swallow: Laura jumps in the water barefoot to repair the hull. When the shark appears she's wearing flippers.

The CGI scenes are ridiculous, but they're nothing compared to the glimpses you get of the man-made shark.

The acting is atrocious.

It doesn't help when you have to read lines like this:
Kirsten: "Ah, the water looks so nice. I just wanna jump in."
Kate: "No! Why do you have to ask so many damn questions?"

We're also supposed to believe O'Connell is a college professor and Electra is a doctor.

Sharks can't roar.

The distance between the Sea King and the atoll is very confusing. Some shots show the ship very far away, so there's no way the students on the atoll could see what was going on when the shark is chasing the speedboats. However, there are times when the ship looks closer to land.

Two guys are in a speedboat and spot something floating in the water nearby. Well, nearby ends up being about 100+ feet away from where they were.

The size of the shark is also all over the place. The survivors can spot the shark by the large fin that's always above the water. When the shot goes underwater to show the shark all of its fins are below the water, and none of the fins are as big as the one seen above water.

How were there any explosions at the end?

The credit for Production Coordinator is misspelled as Production Coordanator.

There are students named Kristen and Kirsten, but both credits are for Kristen.

Something to Chew On: The budget was $1 million.

Ray also directed MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS starring Jaleel White.

Apparently, the shark's two heads were originally going to be one on top of the other instead of side-by-side.

Gerald Webb, who played the deckhand named Han, is also credited with casting the movie.

Aftertaste: Oh boy. Well, two girls get naked and make out, so it's got that going for it, I guess.

Seriously, the minimal eye candy is the only redeeming quality, and I'm not counting Brooke Hogan and her man-face. What kept me from giving only a half-star rating were the balls of Mr. Webb. Why? Because when you hear doctor, you think Carmen Electra.

See, this is definitely a drinking-game type movie. Maybe drink every time the shark jumps out of the water, every time the ground shakes, every time someone says 'atoll,' and every time Miss Electra has a line.

It is good to see her running in slow-motion again though.

Stick with what you know.

Rating: 

The Hunger Games (2012) - Starved of Intensity

On the Menu: THE HUNGER GAMES (2012)

Ingredients: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Liam Hemsworth, Wes Bentley, Donald Sutherland, Stanley Tucci and Lenny Kravitz. Directed by Gary Ross. Run time: 142 minutes. Rated: PG-13.

At First Bite: I live in Western North Carolina, so I was bombarded with media buildup of THE HUNGER GAMES. Locals were predicting it would be the biggest box office smash of 2012. The news would feature stories on filming locations. I was sick of the movie before it had even finished filming, and I vowed not to watch it in the theater (much like my semi-boycott of AVATAR). And, since I had some surprise leftover gift card money from my wedding last year, I only spent $13 on the 3-disc Deluxe Edition DVD set.

A dystopian future has transformed North America into a new nation called Panem, which is split into twelve districts and the Capitol. In the past, there had been rebellion against the wealthy Capitol, so a lottery was put in place as retribution. Two children (one boy, one girl) from each district are randomly selected to participate in The Hunger Games.

The contest is pretty brutal. The Capitol has control over the arena, so if the game gets boring they might throw in some crazy beasts.

Oh yeah, it's all televised... and only ends with one survivor. And, the victor gets to live the high life afterward.

Katniss (Lawrence) and Peeta (Hutcherson) are the contestants from District 12, the poorest of the districts.

Do they have a chance?

Tough to Swallow: The 180-rule is broken in the scene where Prim gives the Mockingjay pendant back to Katniss.

There's a moment when Katniss is speaking to her mom and the camera appears to have been bumped. Why not reshoot that or edit it out?

There are a lot of continuity issues with Katniss's hair.

The Capitol citizens throw flowers to the tributes during the stadium entrance. In the overhead shot, the flowers are gone.

While in the tree, Katniss's sleeping bag disappears.

The cannon doesn't fire for Rue or her attacker.

I think the control room scenes are one too many.

The movie is over 2 hours long and the character development is pretty non-existent.

The whole idea of the "Games" is pretty R-rated, but the violence is very tame.

The wolf mutts (my favorite part of the book) are simply made out to be big dogs. Lame-o.

Something to Chew On: The film's $152.5 million opening weekend box office set a non-sequel record in North America.

Hailee Steinfeld, Abigail Breslin, Emma Roberts and Chloe Grace Moretz were among those considered for the role of Katniss.

Effie Trinket's name is never mentioned.

Suzanne Collins wrote the novel and co-wrote the screenplay. Her inspirations for the movie include a reality show, footage of the invasion of Iraq, Theseus, the Roman gladiatorial games, and the loss of her father when she was 11.

Cinematographer Tom Stern has been the director of photography on Clint Eastwood's last 10 films (starting with BLOODWORK in 2002). He's worked on 11 other Eastwood films as a gaffer, lighting consultant or chief lighting technician.

Aftertaste: When I heard the plot of this movie, I immediately thought of BATTLE ROYALE, SERIES 7: THE CONTENDERS and THE RUNNING MAN. Seriously, it's not really that original of an idea. It's like when I saw the trailer for AVATAR and said, "Hey, that's FERNGULLY in space."

So, with that and the constant local news stories about the filming of the movie, I felt predetermined to dislike the film. However, I had the same feeling before watching AVATAR, and gave it 4 stars.

Honestly, THE HUNGER GAMES isn't all that bad.

However, at 142 minutes in length, there's no reason for the movie to be lacking character development. They could have cut down on the control room scenes to focus more on the characters, especially some of the other tributes.

A lot of the context from the novel is also missing. What's the deal with the 3-finger salute? What was the meaning of Katniss's hallucination? If you read the book, you know the story of Haymitch (Harrelson), but the movie doesn't really touch on what his deal is. I don't think the movie is all that clear on why Katniss does some of the things she does, but, in the book, we know her thoughts and feelings since it's her point of view. Her relationship with Rue isn't quite as compelling as in the book, which kills what should have been one of the film's most emotional moments.

I like the look of the film: the grays of District 12 versus the crazy colors of the Capitol. The makeup was a bit much, especially for Effie (Banks). I know the citizens of the Capitol are eccentric, but there's no reason to pile on the layers and make Elizabeth Banks surprisingly unattractive.

The camerawork is okay for the most part. I'm not a fan of the shaky cam, but it doesn't bother me. Katniss's hallucination scene has to be my favorite of the entire movie.

Although the movie might not have made as much movie had it hit theaters with an R-rating, it would have been much more entertaining. The Hunger Games is a bloody event, but the movie is relatively blood-free considering it's a story of kids killing kids. This absence of violence is the biggest disappointment for me.

If you read the book, I can't say you'll be entirely pleased with the film, but...

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Rating:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) - It Bites

On the Menu: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (2012)

Ingredients: Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Rufus Sewell, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jimmi Simpson, Marton Csokas and Erin Wasson. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Run time: 105 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: Seth Grahame-Smith's novel is one of my favorite books of the last five years. I can't say I was shocked to find out there was going to be a movie version, but I was definitely psyched to see it. Without a second thought, I spent the required $15 for the 3D version in an RPX theater (60-ft screen, dual 30K lumen digital projectors and 100,000-watt sound system) for the midnight premiere.

Abraham Lincoln (Walker) turns to vampire hunting after one of the monsters kills his mother.

A vampire hunter named Henry (Cooper) helps Abe and takes him under his wing, and recruits him to kill evil vampires.

Tough to Swallow: The movie is loosely based on the novel. Really loose. So loose, in fact, the only things it really has in common with the book are Abraham Lincoln and vampires.

Jack Barts (Csokas) plays too prominent of a role, and two other baddies have been invented.

Henry's origin story is different (the book's version is awesome) and the truth about him doesn't come out until about an hour into the movie.

Will Johnson (Mackie) is a brand new character and plays a significant role, while several more important characters are missing completely.

Vampires can't kill vampires? Silver? Invisibility?

The second floor balcony of the White House is visible a few times. It wasn't there until the late 1940s.

The most disappointing part was the ending. The movie quits two endings before the book did.

Something to Chew On: Based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the screenplay. Apparently, there were many, many drafts, and another writer came in while Grahame-Smith took time to work on DARK SHADOWS.

Walker beat out Timothy Olyphant, Eric Bana, Adrien Brody, Josh Lucas, Oliver Jackson-Cohen and James D'Arcy for the role of Lincoln.

Tom Hardy had to turn down the role of Lincoln due to scheduling conflicts with THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

Joaquin Phoenix turned down the role of Henry.

Alan Tudyk, probably one of the bigger names of the cast, appears uncredited as Stephen A. Douglas.

Aftertaste: Man, I was really disappointed with this movie. Would I have enjoyed it more if I hadn't read the novel first? Possibly.

But, then I would have read the book after watching the movie, and still been pissed about the movie.

I kept thinking about how about Benjamin Walker reminded me of Liam Neeson and Eric Bana. I also kept thinking they should have tried to get Nathan Fillion to play Abe. More star power probably would have helped.

The action is decent, but over-the-top, especially in the stampede and train scenes.

Essentially, Bekmambetov took a brilliant mix of history and fiction and tried to turn it into a straight-up action thriller. Ugh. It's so infuriating. This should not have been a summer blockbuster-type film in 3D. It should have been a smart, 2D horror flick released sometime closer to Halloween.

In conclusion, read the book and don't watch the movie.

Or, watch the movie and don't read the book.

Otherwise, you'll be in for a letdown.

It's really like taking a stake to the heart.

Sorry. Just being honest, Abe.

Rating:

ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Leftovers

On the Menu: THE RAID: REDEMPTION (2011)

Aftertaste: Possibly the best action flick of ActionFest 2012.

Rating:

On the Menu: THE DAY (2011)

Aftertaste: Like THE ROAD, but with young peeps, including the lovely Shannyn Sossamon.

Rating:

On the Menu: BAD ASS (2012)

Aftertaste: A real-life viral video becomes a vigilante flick starring Danny Trejo. It's WALKING TALL with a fanny pack.

Rating:

On the Menu: COMIN' AT YA! 3D (1981)

Aftertaste: The most fun movie at ActionFest 2012 not named MANBORG, but it's not purposefully ridiculous. It's just ridiculous.

Rating:

On the Menu: SLEEPLESS NIGHT (2011)

Aftertaste: This secret screening was a nice surprise. You'd never know Tomer Sisley is a stand-up comedian by trade. Dude rocks the action-thrillers.

Rating:

On the Menu: THE LOST BLADESMAN (2011)

Aftertaste: A little confusing with all the characters, and I was hoping for more action. More of a drama until the second half.

Rating:

On the Menu: GOD BLESS AMERICA (2011)

Aftertaste: Goldthwait's stuff is always risky/ballsy. Twisted and over-the-top, but I agree with most of the soapboxing when it comes to how our culture has devolved.

Rating:

On the Menu: WONDER WOMEN! (2012)

Aftertaste: A well-done mix of comic book history and girl power. Sometimes inspirational, too. I'm still waiting for the live-action Wonder Woman summer blockbuster. I vote for Gina Carano.

Rating:

Manborg (2011) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Plate #5

On the Menu: MANBORG (2011)

Ingredients: Matthew Kennedy, Ludwig Lee, Meredith Sweeney, Conor Sweeney, Adam Brooks, Jeremy Gillespie and Andrea Karr. Directed by Steven Kostanski. Run time: 60 minutes. Rated: Not rated.

At First Bite: The late-night movies at ActionFest are usually the best, e.g., TUCKER & DALE VS EVIL and HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. So, I made sure to secure a ticket to MANBORG.

A soldier (Kennedy) dies while he and his brother are fighting the evil Draculon (Brooks) and his army. He's brought back to life as a half-man, half-cyborg.

Draculon now rules the world.

Manborg, as he now calls himself, teams up with Mina (Sweeney), Justice (Sweeney) and #1 Man (Lee) to fight Draculon and his Killborgs.

Tough to Swallow: I can't think of anything bad to say, except I wish it were longer than 60 minutes.

Something to Chew On: The budget was an estimated $1,000.

Brooks portrayed both Draculon and Doctor Scorpius.

The director is also credited as playing Assorted Killborgs.

Kyle Hebert is the voice of #1 Man.

Regional premiere at ActionFest 2012.

Won the 2012 Spirit of ActionFest Award.

We were told before the movie to yell "Manborg!" if there should be a technical issue with the projection/sound. Funnily, the following day, people were yelling this when other films had problems or while simply waiting for a film to start.

Raven Banner Entertainment picked up the distribution rights back in February, so hopefully a DVD is on the way soon.

Aftertaste: It would be very easy to confuse MANBORG with a straight-to-VHS flick from the '80s, and for good reason. The filmmakers at Astron-6 make these types of movies for a living. They purposefully made the company name sound like Vestron, which was responsible for EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY, BIG MAN ON CAMPUS, DREAM A LITTLE DREAM and, surprisingly, DIRTY DANCING. A number of Vestron's films haven't been released on DVD despite the library now being owned by Lionsgate.

Anyway...

Here we have a low-budget work of art. It was all filmed in a garage on a green screen. Manborg's costume is made from everyday scraps painted to metallic. Throw in some voice dubbing, some stop-motion animation and some lasers, and it's like you're in nerd heaven.

There's so much involved in this movie, it's difficult to believe it's only an hour long.

The Baron might be the film's best character. He's a baddie with a soft spot for one of his prisoners. He's the comic relief in a movie full of ridiculousness. Of course, having #1 Man's voice dubbed makes him pretty hilarious as well.

Call it a poor man's ROBOCOP. Or a poor man's TERMINATOR. Throw in some TRON and make it a comedy.

Just remember it looks the way it does on purpose.

Rating:

Sinners and Saints (2010) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Plate #3

On the Menu: SINNERS AND SAINTS (2010)

Ingredients: Johnny Strong, Sean Patrick Flanery, Tom Berenger, Method Man, Costas Mandylor, Luis Mandylor, Jürgen Prochnow, Kevin Phillips, Bas Rutten, Kim Coates and Sonny Puzikas. Directed by William Kaufman. Run time: 104 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: Honestly, the only reason I marked this movie down on my ActionFest schedule was because Tom Berenger was scheduled to appear. I didn't know the plot. I didn't know who else was in it. I didn't know it was already on DVD. I just wanted to get my VHS copy of THE SUBSTITUTE signed by Shale himself.

Detective Sean Riley (Strong) has had it rough as of late. His son has died. His wife has left him.

After a raid goes bad, he's assigned to investigate a recent string of murders, where the victims are being burned repeatedly. One of the vics is the brother of a gang lord. Oops.

Hello, gang war.

Tough to Swallow: The mercenaries don't seem very well-trained or bright.

The majority of the "big" names in the cast only have a handful of scenes.

There is a credit for post-production assistant, but two people are listed.

In the credits, special contributors is misspelled as contributers.

Something to Chew On: Strong did the music for the film. He also did his own stunts. The dude is a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, an accomplished Mixed Martial Artist and makes knives.

The name of the bar in the movie is Boondock Saint. Flanery, of course, is one of the stars of BOONDOCK SAINTS and its sequel.

Flanery has now been in four films with the word 'saints' in the title. The first was PALE SAINTS in 1997.

Puzikas was also the film's tactical advisor. He is a former Russian Special Forces operative.

The movie was released on DVD on January 10, 2012 (three months before I saw it at ActionFest).

The film's showing at ActionFest was its domestic premiere.

SINNERS AND SAINTS 2 will go into production in the fall of 2012.

Aftertaste: Not a bad cop thriller considering it's a low-budget independent flick. It was actually filmed in New Orleans, and you'd never know it since we don't really see any landmarks or Mardi Gras parades. Instead, we get post-Katrina neighborhoods posing as cesspools full of drugs and gang violence.

The story is all over the place. The dialogue is lackluster. The acting, aside from Strong, is pretty sad.

But, but, but... there's lots of gunfire and people being burned. To me, violence is really the key ingredient for an action film. Schwarzenegger is as wooden an actor as there is, but his movies are fun because there are explosions, shootouts and people die in horrific ways. And, SINNERS AND SAINTS is full of intense, sometimes graphic, violence.

Kudos to Kaufman for using mostly practical special effects. Old school > CGI.

Kaufman says the sequel will have more exciting action, so I'll look forward to that.

Hopefully, the script will be better, too.

By the way, I got the VHS signed.

Rating:

Let the Bullets Fly (2010) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Plate #1

On the Menu: LET THE BULLETS FLY (2010)

Ingredients: Chow Yun-Fat, Wen Jiang, Ge You, Xiaogang Feng, Kun Chen and Carina Lau. Directed by Wen Jiang. Run time: 132 minutes. Rated: Not rated.

At First Bite: Chose this as my first Saturday film of ActionFest 2012. Seemed like it could be this year's THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD.

A group of bandits, led by Pocky Zhang (Jiang), ambushes a "train" carrying, Ma, the next governor of Goose Town (You), his wife (Lau) and his counselor. The counselor perishes, but, to avoid death, Ma poses as the counselor. Ma tells Pocky he can be the governor of Goose Town and split the taxes with Master Huang (Yun-Fat), the local mobster.

Zhang would rather just take from Huang, not the townspeople.

But, it's just not that easy.

Tough to Swallow: In the opening, regular titles and subtitles conflict in telling the year. One reads 1919. The other reads 1920.

Often, the subtitles go by pretty quickly.

Not sure it had to be two hours and twelve minutes long.

Something to Chew On: LET THE BULLETS FLY is China's highest-grossing film (domestic) of all-time, passing Xiaogang Feng's AFTERSHOCK.

Feng plays the counselor in the opening scene of this movie.

Jiang is also credited as one of the film's six screenwriters.

The budget was an estimated $18 million.

Aftertaste: LET THE BULLETS FLY was much funnier than I had expected. And, the laughs start right off the bat with the "train" robbery. Ge You is the comic relief, but Yun-Fat gets some chuckles because he plays two roles: the mobster and his double. For the most part, it plays like a black comedy -- since the death scenes are funny as well.

I don't know enough about present-day China, but I've read how this movie is a commentary on the corruption they've seen. Maybe that's why it broke the box-office record there.

Even though the movie runs long, its pace is pretty frenetic. The back-and-forth dialogue is tough to follow at times. If you don't like subtitles, this might be a tough film for you (unless the dubbed version stays true to the script).

The game of one-upsmanship between Zhang and Huang grows and grows as the movie progresses. The laughs are entertaining, sure, but it's this battle that keeps you interested. They are great, well-written characters, and they're pretty badass, too.

Comedy, violence and mind games: A winning trifecta.

This is one of the first of the ActionFest 2012 flicks to get a DVD release (April 24, 2012), and I'm definitely planning on getting one.

Rating:

Solomon Kane (2009) - ActionFest Buffet 3.0: Appetizer

On the Menu: SOLOMON KANE (2009)

Ingredients: James Purefoy, Pete Postlethwaite, Jason Flemyng, Max von Sydow, Mackenzie Crook, Alice Krige, Rachel Hurd-Wood and Patrick Hurd-Wood. Directed by Michael J. Bassett. Run time: 104 minutes. Rated: Not rated.

At First Bite: I had no expectations for the opening night film of ActionFest 2012. I knew nothing of the story. I only knew Purefoy and stunt coordinator Richard Ryan also teamed up for the first film presented at last year's ActionFest, IRONCLAD.

Solomon Kane (Purefoy) is an English mercenary/pirate who unfortunately meets up with the Devil's Reaper while helping himself to some treasure. Turns out Kane soul has been damned to Hell, and the Reaper wants to collect.

Kane escapes and tries to denounce his barbaric ways, but a sorcerer named Malachi (Flemyng) has created an army to wreak havoc and draw Kane to him.

Will he once more pick up his sword?

Tough to Swallow: The flashbacks ruin the main twist.

The Masked Rider's cape disappears after being set on fire.

Something to Chew On: Robert E. Howard created the pulp magazine character of Solomon Kane in 1928. Conan the Barbarian is Howard's more well-known character. He's also known for Kull the Conqueror.

Filming began in 2008, which was eleven years after the film rights were granted.

Christopher Lambert (HIGHLANDER) was offered the lead in 2001.

The movie was shot over 12 weeks time.

The film's budget was $40 million.

Purefoy suffered a head wound in a sword fight. The injury required five stitches.

This film is intended to be the first of a trilogy.

Aftertaste: I'll admit I was a bit disappointed to find out a 2009 film was opening a 2012 film festival, but it wasn't all that bad.

Watching Purefoy is like watching Gerard Butler or Hugh Jackman, but maybe slightly more enjoyable. He actually reminded me more of Butler in IRONCLAD, and more of Jackman in SOLOMON KANE. Let's hope he doesn't start doing big budget rom-coms. His performance here is solid. He makes for a perfect anti-hero.

Introducing the main villain at the end of the film is a mistake, in my opinion. And, the final battle is ho-hum. Overall, the fights are well-choreographed, but they are too sparse for a film like this.

One of the final confrontations is ruined by all the flashbacks. The twist is sooooooo predictable.

I love the look of the film. The cinematography and production design might be the best parts. Wait... the scene where Kane is crucified and works his way off the cross is actually my favorite part.

Perhaps, with the origin story touched on with this entry, the following two films will be filled with more decapitations and shootouts.

Let's hope.

Rating:

In Time (2011) - February Filmathon Film #10

On the Menu: IN TIME (2011)

Ingredients: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, Olivia Wilde, Johnny Galecki, Alex Pettyfer, Matt Bomer and Vincent Kartheister. Directed by Andrew Niccol. Run time: 109 minutes. Rated: PG-13.

At First Bite: Looked like a fun sci-fi thriller from the trailer.

Will Salas (Timberlake) lives in a world where everyone stops aging at 25 years old. When that year is up the person dies unless they acquire more time. See, time is also the currency. You work to get time and that time keeps you alive.

Society is split up into Time Zones. The poor joes living hour-by-hour populate the lower zones. The rich, and elderly despite their looks, dwell in the fancy cities of the higher zones.

Will happens upon a butt-load of time, but only wants to bring the system to its knees.

Tough to Swallow: Will's mom (Wilde) celebrates her 50th birthday. Will comments that she'll be celebrating her 25th birthday for the 25th time. It would actually be the 26th celebration.

I wish Leon (Murphy) would have had more character development. He was the most interesting character in the film, to me.

Something to Chew On: Some characters have names of real-life watchmakers: Fortis, Kolber, Girard, Rado, Oris, Breitling, Nomos, Jaeger, Bell, Citizen, Ulysse and Hamilton.

Timberlake, Seyfried, Wilde and Kartheiser also starred together in ALPHA DOG.

Niccol also wrote and produced the film. GATTACA (4 stars), S1M0NE (3.5 stars) and LORD OF WAR (4 stars) are the other films he's both written and directed. 

Aftertaste: The plot is like something out of a Philip K. Dick story, but the film is more on the level of IMPOSTOR or NEXT rather than MINORITY REPORT or BLADE RUNNER. Niccol's film reminds me of LOGAN'S RUN mixed with ROBIN HOOD and a little BONNIE & CLYDE thrown in for good measure.

The concept of time as money is interesting, as is the feeling of immortality based on how "rich" a person is. The class warfare storyline will likely touch a chord with those who follow politics and the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Unfortunately, a movie can't succeed on concept alone. The movie is rife with plot holes. I don't quite understand why your "life savings" would be visible to everyone at all times (unless you wear a long-sleeve shirt). Or why it's so easy to just take someone else's life by grabbing his wrist. Or why we need to know about Will's dad. Or why there are so few police. Or why someone's personal security guards don't know one another. Or why rich people with lots of time think they're immortal when someone could simply kill them via gunshot.

It feels like Niccol didn't really know how to flesh out the story. He essentially took his wonderful idea and turned it into a chase movie with little to no resolution.

I like the cleverness of naming characters after watchmakers when your movie revolves around time.

It's an okay movie that could have been much, much better. The relevance of the social commentary is reason enough to take a chance on it.

Tick-tock though. Soon everyone will forget about wealth inequality and be focused on more important issues like birth control and abortion. *rolls eyes*

Rating:

Colombiana (2011) - February Filmathon Film #8

On the Menu: COLOMBIANA (2011)

Ingredients: Zoë Saldana, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Beto Benites, Graham McTavish and Amandla Stenberg. Directed by Olivier Megaton. Run time: 111 minutes. Rated: Unrated.

At First Bite: I needed an action movie to watch and Saldana is gorgeous. If the screenplay is written by Luc Besson (LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL, LA FEMME NIKITA), you could probably guess the story: a young woman's parents have been killed and she's going to seek revenge.

Well, if you guessed that plotline, then you'd be correct.

Tough to Swallow: Manhole covers must be pretty lightweight in Colombia.

Do the police not get a mugshot of everyone they arrest?

If you've successfully hidden in your mansion's safe room, why would you leave knowing who is in your house?

Not sure you can train a dog to eat raw steaks and get the result COLOMBIANA achieved.

Young Cataleya (Stenberg) reads a Xena: Warrior Princess comic and says she wants to be like Xena. The film is set in 1992. Xena wasn't around until three years later.

The word personal is misspelled as 'personnal' in two credits for Saldana's make up artist and hair stylist.

The word prosthetics is misspelled as 'prostetics' in the credit for Prosthetics Artists.

In the France Unit section of the credits, there's a credit for Location Manager Assistants, but lists only one person. Also in this section, the word assistants is misspelled as 'assitants' in the credit for Video Assistants.

In the Additional Footages credits, licensing is misspelled as 'licencing' for Universal Studios.

Something to Chew On: Besson wrote the screenplay and has a producer credit.

Director Olivier Megaton's birth name is Olivier Fontana. He was born on the 20th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, which is where he came up with the Megaton surname.

Aftertaste: Man, there are so many ridiculous moments in this movie (some listed above). Cataleya is supposedly an intelligent assassin with nearly 15 years of experience. Why chance losing the rest of your family while killing nobodies in an attempt to draw the attention of your real target? She's really careless.

And, the police are no better. The Tag Killer can't be a woman? Okay, if you say so. Ugh, and Callum Blue is just as bad an actor here as he was in FRENEMY. His CIA agent is a poorly written character anyway.

Some of the action is okay. I'd say the best part of the movie is when we see Young Cataleya. She jumps from building to building in parkour fashion. But, even the bad guys try to ruin this sequence. The head baddie tells his goons to kill her, then yells at one guy for shooting at her because "we need her alive." Then, he and all his goons end up shooting at the last place they saw her.

You'll definitely be scratching your head a lot... or laughing.

It might keep your interest if you're unfamiliar with Besson's previous works. The oftentimes scantily clad Saldana couldn't even keep me from forgetting the plot holes.

He should have skipped on this and written the sequel to LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL. Please bring back Natalie Portman for MATHILDA.

Sort of ironic the director named himself for a bomb, isn't it.

Rating:

Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011) - February Filmathon Film #7

On the Menu: KUNG FUN PANDA 2 (2011)

Ingredients: Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Gary Oldman, Seth Rogen, Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu, David Cross, Dustin Hoffman, James Hong, Michelle Yeoh, Danny McBride, Dennis Haysbert, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Victor Garber and Lauren Tom. Directed by Jennifer Yuh Nelson. Run time: 91 minutes. Rated: PG.

At First Bite: Personally, I find Jack Black to be annoying. But, it is much easier to watch one of his movies if he's just a voice actor.

In the first film, Po (Black) was matched up against Tai Lung, who really had a beef with Master Oogway. Here, the story pits Po against someone from his past, Lord Shen, who is bent on killing off Kung Fu altogether and taking over China.

Tough to Swallow: I wish I would have seen this in 3D.

Something to Chew On: This is the feature directorial debut of Yuh Nelson.

To date, KUNG FU PANDA 2 is the highest-grossing film with a female director.

Shen was actually a character for the first movie, but was written out before production.

Guillermo del Toro is credited as a Creative Consultant.

Charlie Kaufman did some uncredited script touch-ups.

2012 Oscar nominee for Best Animated Feature.

Aftertaste: Po is still a fanboy of the Furious Five, but he's toned down from the original. And, only one skadoosh. This time Po is more vulnerable. He's haunted by flashes from his past, but he's not sure what they mean.

Darker than the first film. Of course, when you have a villain hellbent on killing all the pandas, it's going to be dark. Who hates pandas? I will say Shen doesn't look the part of a bad guy, but having Gary Oldman's voice definitely helps.

I love the use of different animating styles. The movie starts and ends with 2D shadow puppetry. The bulk of the movie is 3D CGI, and Po's memories are 2D anime.

The dragon sequence and the ensuing chase are my favorite scenes. The final battle is pretty sweet as well though (by that point the movie is sooooo red). There are some really funny moments. I think the one I laughed at most was when Po is flipped by the prison door and turned around by Tigress (Jolie). There are also some tug-at-your-heart ones, especially with Mr. Ping (Hong).

I'd say Mr. Ping and the Soothsayer (Yeoh) steal their scenes.

Better than the original. Pure awesomeness.

Rating:

30 Minutes Or Less (2011) - February Filmathon Film #4

On the Menu: 30 MINUTES OR LESS (2011)

Ingredients: Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, Nick Swardson, Fred Ward, Michael Peña, Dilshad Vadsaria and Bianca Kajlich. Directed by Ruben Fleischer. Run time: 83 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: I worked as a pizza delivery guy for three and a half years. I remember the story of Brian Douglas Wells, the delivery guy with a bomb strapped to his chest who robbed a bank.

Basically, if you remember the story behind that botched 2003 robbery, then you know the plot of 30 MINUTES OR LESS.

Dwayne (McBride) can't wait for his dad to die. He figures the inheritance would be rather large. A stripper suggests he hire a hitman. In order to pay for the hit, Dwayne and his buddy Travis (Swardson) kidnap an unsuspecting pizza boy named Nick (Eisenberg) and force him to rob a bank wearing a bomb.

Tough to Swallow: The Major interrupts Dwayne and Travis while they're watching FRIDAY THE 13TH (3D). Dwayne says there's 45 minutes left, but it's the final scene of the movie.

The outtakes on the DVD aren't funny.

Something to Chew On: Ben Stiller was one of the film's producers.

This is Fleischer's second feature film. He previously directed ZOMBIELAND, also starring Eisenberg.

In the beginning of the movie, Nick rents the first two LETHAL WEAPON films. Later, Dwayne is talking to Travis about his tanning salon idea. He calls one of the tanning options the Tanny Glover.

Following the credits, there's a commercial for Dwayne's tanning salon.

Aftertaste: There are a few funny moments. Not a lot, but a few. And, they come from the Eisenberg/Ansari tandem instead of McBride and Swardson, which was a surprise. I love Swardson, but McBride seems to play the same guy in every movie (essentially Kenny Powers). He's like the Tommy Lee Jones of comedy.

I can't complain about this movie too much. Even though it's not as funny as I wanted it to be, it's only 83 minutes long. So, I didn't feel like I suffered through it. Especially, since it's peppered with scenes featuring the lovely Dilshad Vadsaria ("Greek").

As a follow-up to ZOMBIELAND though, Fleischer dropped the ball. Maybe he should stick to original ideas. Or at least have more of a script and not rely on ad-libbing.

Heavy on the cheese, light on the sauce.

Rating:

Bunraku (2010) - February Filmathon Film #1

On the Menu: BUNRAKU (2010)

Ingredients: Josh Hartnett, Woody Harrelson, Kevin McKidd, Ron Perlman, Demi Moore and Gackt. Directed by Guy Moshe. Run time: 124 minutes. Rated: R.

At First Bite: I passed on this one at last year's ActionFest in favor of BELLFLOWER and A LONELY PLACE TO DIE. In all honesty, I cannot stand to look at Josh Hartnett.

In a world where guns have been outlawed, a cowboy/drifter (Hartnett) who plays cards, a samurai (Gackt) with no sword and a bartender (Harrelson) who makes pop-up books team up to take on a major crime boss (Perlman) and his 9 assassins.

Sounds fun, right?

Tough to Swallow: This movie is way too long and there was really no need for Demi Moore's character.

Aside from Harrelson, I found the acting to be pretty stale.

I wasn't too impressed with the martial arts sequences.

As odd as this movie is, the video game sound effects used in the prison fight seemed hokey.

Something to Chew On: Bunraku is a 400-year-old form of Japanese puppet theater.

The Bartender has a Yang tattoo under his right ear. Alexandra has Yin.

Mike Patton, the lead singer of Faith No More, is the narrator. His "Happy birthday, fucker" line preceding the prison fight is from his song "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies."

Aftertaste: Style points galore. The movie opens up with some bunraku and eases its way into a CGI backstory made to look like origami. Cityscapes and the final scene unfold as though from a pop-up book like that of the bartender. Settings have a strong graphic novel appearance, as do the subtitles for Yoshi and his family. The film is splashed full of bright colors, mostly reds and blues.

I was often reminded of DICK TRACY, THE WARRIOR'S WAY, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD, SIN CITY and musicals. There's no singing, but were times when I felt the gangs might bust out in song. I mean, some of the fight choreography was on the verge of dancing already. And, McKidd's Killer #2 has hints of Gene Kelly.

As visually stunning as BUNRAKU is at times, the story and acting just didn't do it for me. Well, in a world made to look like paper, why wouldn't the characters be paper-thin, right?

It might have been easier to take had it been 30 minutes shorter... and with puppets.

Rating: